For plenty of businesses, suits are almost like a rite of passage. You’re not successful until someone is trying to sue you for every last staple in the agency. But that are intended to win, corporations are often willing to exploit every legal loophole known to human — or whatever species corporate lawyers are. Sometimes that intends admitting to far worse than what someone’s actually being accused of. For instance …
6
Coca-Cola Claims Only An Idiot Would Believe Vitaminwater Was Healthy
Coca-Cola Claims Only An Idiot Would Believe Vitaminwater Was Healthy
Back in the old days, has become a snake oil salesman was a tough gig. Promising an expensive tonic that could panacea all ailments could get a person tarred and feathered in a heartbeat. These days, however, all you have to worry about is get somewhat plucked in courtroom for false advertising. And even then, like a bad craftsman, you can simply blame your tools — the “tools” in this case being the gullible consumers.
WebSubstance/ iStock
“But wait! I have more products that suckers like you appears to enjoy! At less-than-reasonable costs! ”
When Coca-Cola first introduced their “healthy” beverage Vitaminwater, its slogan was “vitamins+ water= all you need.” That equation was missing eight teaspoons of carbohydrate and 120 calories per bottle, it turns out. But Vitaminwater’s false advertising didn’t stop there. The sip had also claimed it would improve the drinker’s metabolism, boost their immune system, and reduce the risk of eye cancer. Dedicated a few more times, they could also have promised to grow your whisker back, stimulate your nails as sharp as talons, and let you realise a whole new color.
It didn’t take long for daughter company Glaceau( which is French for “garbage fountain”) to be sued for misinforming the public with their advertising. But that wasn’t the occurrence, according to Coca-Cola’s lawyers, because “no consumer could reasonably be misled into thinking Vitaminwater was a healthy beverage.” Essentially, their legal strategy was to call anyone who supposes boozing a Coca-Cola product wouldn’t give them diabetes a goddamn moron. And frankly, what kind of rube would think that this sip …
Coca-Cola
… this sip …
Coca-Cola
… THIS DRINK …
… would be healthy for you? What, were we born yesterday? On a planet where terms have meanings?
After six years of tying the courts up with their nonsense, Coca-Cola finally agreed to stop its misinforming advertising, and added “with sweeteners” in the smallest font possible to the label of the bottle. Their squad of lawyers concluded: “Although we remain confident in our legal point, it simply constructed no appreciation to continue this costly legal battle” — the “You’re not worth it, bro” of legal statements.
But Coca-Cola isn’t the only company that has had to go back on ludicrous health asserts made by its carbohydrate water. PepsiCo’s 7 Up Antioxidant dropped any reference to antioxidants( including its name) after being sued for containing so few artificial vitamin E that it wouldn’t even keep a single daisy alive. Meanwhile, Pom Wonderful was slapped by the FTC for claiming its sips “could treat, avoid, or reduce the risk of heart disease, prostate cancer, and erectile dysfunction.” Then again, how else are you ever going to break into the middle-aged male demographic with a name like Pom Wonderful?
5
Fox News And Alex Jones Admit They Aren’t News
Fox News And Alex Jones Admit They Aren’t News
To the bleeding-heart liberals amongst us, right-wing news can sometimes seem unreal, like we’re suddenly in a world where up is down, right is wrong, and human rights are for pussies. Lots of conservative pundits often appear like impersonations of what a right-wing mindset ought to be. But acting like they’re the Muslim-hating offspring of Ayn Rand and before-the-ghosts Ebenezer Scrooge might be working in their favor.
Around the time of Obama’s first presidential running, Fox News realized that straight-up picking opposes with him netted them much more panoramas, like a TMZ paparazzo secretly excited that Sean Penn is about to punch him in the face. As a answer, the Obama administration refused to acknowledge Fox News as an actual news station, instead referring to them as an “ideological outlet, ” with communications administrator Anita Dunn even stating “we don’t need to feign that this is the way that legitimate news organizations behave.”
So that’s what Fox did: It stopped feigning. The network responded to these accusations by proudly boasting that “its news hours — 9 a. m. to 4 p. m. and 6 to 8 p. m. on weekdays — are objective, ” thereby admitting that the 24 -hour news network has about nine hours of news in it. C’mon, even hot dog have more meat in them than that. And those other 100+ hours of television every week? Those are for entertainment, plainly. According to Fox, it’s the viewer’s occupation to tell the difference between the parts that are real news and all the baseless rumors that are nothing but the opinions of some guy. Who is garmented exactly like the newsreaders. And sits behind the same desk. And uses the words “Fox” and “News” every 30 seconds.
Other right-wing pundits have also picked on this possible get-out-of-libel-jail-free card. Alex Jones, a cartoon gorilla brought to life by his intense hatred of Jews, was recently in a ferocious detention battle with his ex-wife. In order to demonstrate what an unfit parent and human being he is, her attorney demonstrated the magistrate several tapes of Jones’ show in which, when he’s not hollering conspiracy assumptions like a syphilitic medieval town crier, he frequently strips off his clothes like he’s reliving his failed audition for Magic Mike .
To counter this hard evidence of him behaving like an insane mountain man, Jones’s lawyer claimed that he’s just a performance artist. You know, like what he told those children murdered in Sandy Hook were. His reveals, by extent, are “political satire, ” a barbarian mockery of the type of sad losers who would believe anything that would come out of Alex Jones…’s persona’s mouth.
Not that it did Jones any favors. He wound up losing detention of his children, partly because he claimed he couldn’t remember basic details of their lives because he “had a big bowl of chili for lunch.” Like with all great performance artists, it’s almost impossible to tell where Alex Jones the artist objectives and Alex Jones the caricature of a sad MRA troll begins.
The face of a human about to either turn into the Incredible Hulk or have a chili-related pants-shitting .
4
Melania Trump Sues For Libel And Admits She’s Trying To Cash Off Being First Lady
Melania Trump Sues For Libel And Admits She’s Trying To Cash Off Being First Lady
Being the first lady is all about reputation. You’re expected to be the perfect wife and mother, and to care a lot more about fat children than you probably do. So when someone attempts your good name, it threatens everything you’re hoping to achieve. Which, in Melania Trump’s case, is to cash in on that good name by scamming people into buying her jewelry.
During the election, British grief merchant The Daily Mail published a story claiming Trump once ran as an escort. After becoming the first long-distance first lady, she immediately took the tabloid and its corporate overlords to courtroom. But not just for libel; Melania’s legal team also claimed that the false rumor could impact her financially, which is a very polite behavior of saying that while it may not be true, it’s believable enough that it’ll probably stick.
But how could this rumor impact Melania financially? She’s the first lady of the United States — a position that makes you the world’s most high-profile charity employee. Well, doing good may have been reward good enough for the Nancy Reagans and Jackie Onassii, but according to her lawyers, Melania ascertains the sacred agency more as …
the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person, as well as a former professional simulate, brand spokesperson and successful businesswoman, to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar commercial relationships for a multi-year word during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world .
Those relationships could be hurt if people might imagine she sleeps with boys for fund, and not that she involves herself with boys like Donald Trump because they’re great listeners and ace cuddlers. Which is why Melania felt that The Daily Mail now owed her $150 million.
Ethics hawks speedily jumped on the wording in the lawsuit , noting that this statement constructed it sound like Melania’s treating her role as the first lady like it’s a simulate contract with Versace. Her defense team countered this accusation by claiming that was a gross misinterpretation of the wording. Of course, it didn’t help their occurrence that at the time, Melania was still operating three different corporations which stimulate between $15,000 and $50,000 in royalties from her accessories line. And that same accessories line was advertised on her official White House bio page mere days before the lawsuit. That sure makes it look like Trump is applying her point as FLOTUS to hawk her jewelry, like some housewife mentioning her Etsy store in every conversation.
When the matter was finally resolved, Melania had to settle for a public apology and less than$ 3 million in compensation. Not the bonanza that she was hoping for, but now she at least got something out of the presidency. She’s certainly in no rushing to take any trips to the White House in the next four years.
3
Gawker Defends Showing The Hulk Hogan Sex Tape By Saying They’d Also Publish Child Porn
Gawker Defends Showing The Hulk Hogan Sex Tape By Saying They’d Also Publish Child Porn
Freedom of the press is one of the cornerstones of any fair republic. But journalism is a business, and letting a business decide what is and isn’t news can lead to fearmongering, misreporting, and lots of closing segments about cute pets. Still, journalists can and should fight for their First Amendment rights. Nonetheless, that combat should never involve you protecting the right to publish child pornography.
In 2012, Gawker, the internet’s curtain-twitching next-door neighbor, published a sex tape of Hulk Hogan, known not even to his children as Terry Bollea. In the 1-minute, 41 -second video, the Hulkster is determined having sex with the spouse of his former( plainly) best friend Bubba “The Love Sponge” Clem. As entertaining as that enjoy triangle might sound, Hogan did not think it warranted a rumor website publishing footage of his thrusting buttocks. With the help of tech billionaire and children’s cartoon rascal Peter Thiel, Hogan sued the website and its then-editor A.J. Daulerio for severe breach of privacy and has become a total jabroni.
Hogan’s attorneys were sent out to prove to the jury that “Mr. Bollea’s penis had no news value” — a good legal strategy and a sick ignite. Nonetheless, when being deposed, Gawker’s editor insisted that Hogan had had so many broadcast deliberations about his dick that it ought to be part of the public domain. To counter this, his attorneys asked Daulerio what kind of celebrity sex tape would be unethical to show. He replied that he would never publish a sex tape of a child. “Under what age? ” the lawyer asked. “Four.”
Daulerio subsequently stated that that answer was sarcastic. A legally binding deposition is a great place for you to try out some new slapstick substance. Of course, Hogan’s lawyers pounded Daulerio as hard as Hogan pounded Bubba The Love Sponge’s spouse. After only a few weeks of trial, Hogan was awarded $140 million in injuries, collecting $31 million and bankrupting Gawker.
2
Dr. Oz Claims Giving Bad Medical Advice Is An American Privilege
Dr. Oz Claims Giving Bad Medical Advice Is An American Privilege
Dr. Mehmet Oz is a cardiac surgeon and professor at Columbia University, but what he ever wanted to be in life was a superstar . After appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show as a medical expert, he was given his own “informative” talk show to teach people about the most recent breakthroughs in medicine. Since then, he has become the Oprah of the medical community, in that they no longer think he’s fit to hand out medical advice either.
Dr. Oz, the only person to have ever become a surgeon and still be a disappointment to his parents, has been largely criticized by both the medical and scientific communities for his incessant shilling of fad diet pills with little to no research backing up his claims. According to a recent study in the British Medical Journal , half of Dr. Oz’s asserts are baseless or just plain wrong — i.e. he’s inducing them up as he goes. He’s specially disliked for continuously calling these diet fads he promotes “miraculous, ” like he’s some overqualified faith healer.
This came to a chief when Dr. Oz was called to testify in front of Congress, where senators gave the doctor a real behavior to lose weight fast: by sweating bullets. With him as a sacrificial pinata on the altar of rationality, the presiding senators wasted no time in tearing Oz a new one, going as much as is mentioning, “I don’t get why you need to say this material, because you know it’s not true.”
To Oz’s credit, he didn’t back up and feign that he was hosting a “satire” of a medical prove making fun on the kind of people who listen to physicians. Instead, he invoked his God-given right to bullshit the American public. “My job is to be a cheerleader for the audience when they don’t think they have hope, ” said the medical professional. “When I can’t use speech that is flowery, that is exulting, I feel like I’ve been disenfranchised.” We don’t know what kind of pills you have to take to stimulate your balls big enough to cry censorship when a chamber of senators call you out on has become a bad doctor, but we’re looking forward to finding out on one of his future shows.
1
Pepsi Argues That Their Soda Would Dissolve A Mouse In Months
Pepsi Argues That Their Soda Would Dissolve A Mouse In Months
The hair in the soup routine is a classic con artist trick. You feign the restaurant has fallen a disgusting human shaving in your snack and demand to be compensated for your distress. What you wouldn’t expect at that crossroad would be a waiter telling you that the whisker you fished out was in fact the least disgusting part of your meal.
In 2009, an oil company employee in Illinois claimed he had determined a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew. After expending the appropriate sum of period retch, he contacted Pepsi to inform them of their rodent problem. The company, instead of informing the customer he had been participating in a trial run of their new mouse-enhanced flavor( like New Coke, only less disgusting ), immediately sent down such other representatives to fasten the crime scene. Nonetheless, by the time one of their poor interns had schlepped all the way to Madison County, the incriminating indication had already been destroyed, hopefully with a tasteful burying and the notification of the next-of-kin.
The Illinois man still sued the company for over $75,000 for rodent-based emotional trauma. But Pepsi was sure that this was an open-and-shut occurrence — not because even a dead mouse could reek this scam from a couple miles out, though. During the very brief trial, Pepsi paraded a bunch of “experts” who could scientifically disprove that a mouse carcass could have been swimming around in the Dew, pointing out that the soft drink’s contents are waaay too toxic for that. Instead, what the oil human should have found, according to one expert, was a “jelly-like substance, ” with all the mousy parts having been dissolved by the refreshing battery acid that is Mountain Dew, like some rodent rendition of the barrel scenes in Breaking Bad .
However, despite the insurmountable indication in their favor, Pepsi settled out of courtroom, its lawyer hastily stating that the issues “was decided for an undisclosed sum. It’s a done deal, and both parties are on their way” as he probably sprinted away from the courtroom. Voices like the company had to pay a “we mentioned jellied mice” taxation to get the story out of the morning demonstrates circulation as quickly as possible.
For more of his attempts at humors or his famous recipes for lavatory wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter .
Let’s keep the lawsuits rolling in 5 Baffling Dick Moves That Won Actual Lawsuits and 6 Famous ‘Frivolous Lawsuit’ Stories That Are Total B.S . .
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